You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
