you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
