a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Randomize
