I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
