Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
