she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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