i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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