why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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