im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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