That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
