Porn is love you can see.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
