I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
