How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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