I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
