17 year olds will be the death of me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
