checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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