Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
