Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's no shave November. This is our time.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
