this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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