i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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