You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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