Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
And then he peed in my hair
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