I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
This is my gift to your gina
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
