Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize