Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
