I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
