i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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