Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
