last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
