Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
