i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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