I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
As shirtless as possible
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Alive.
So much puke
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
