At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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