get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
