apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
