I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
