Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
