only if we run a train.
done.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize