How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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