Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize