I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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