I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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