i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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