...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
