WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
