I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
