hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize