i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
