Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
