I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
