Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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