i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
