two words...techno handjob
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My bed is full of blood and feathers
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
pray to the hookup gods
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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