when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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