I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
