Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
