God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
