My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
