I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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